Tween Defiance

                I am approaching the end of my patience with a certain 12 year old. COVID and the end of school in March has seen an increase in my daughter being home far more than any child should ever have to be home. The closure of parks and movie theaters, etc has led to a decrease in the variety of things afforded to entertain these kids. They do spend an insane amount of time online with friends, playing Minecraft, etc. We purchased a pool, so they’ve been able to have friends over occasionally to swim. However, with the official end of school, my 12 year old has decided that she shouldn’t have any rules.

                She wants to stay awake until 5am and sleep until 3 or 4pm. Sadly, that means she sleeps through breakfast and lunch… eats dinner, but then snacks on junk all night while we’re sleeping and can’t enforce staying out of the snack cabinet. She’s very tall, but also very thin for her age and the doctor told her at her recent appointment that she’d like to see just a little more meat on her bones. This can only be accomplished with a normal routine that includes eating more than once a day. We’ve tried trusting her to put herself to bed at midnight but she “loses track of time” and when I get up to get a drink at 530am, she’s still awake, gaming. *blood boils.*

                So I created a VERY simple daily routine. Their alarm clock goes off at 1000am. If they eat breakfast, make their beds, straighten their rooms, get dressed and brush their hair – they can play online until lunch. At 1pm, they eat lunch and do afternoon chores… if they do then they can play online until dinner. At 630pm, they eat dinner and then they can have screen time again until 10pm when they have to close up the internet and hand over their electronics until the next day. There is PLENTY of time for screen time. If they wake up at 8am instead of 10, they can accomplish everything and have more time online.

                I’ve explained things to her multiple times. In a calm voice. I’ve explained the reason for needing to eat more. (she’s not anorexic, she’s just naturally a twig.) I’ve explained the importance for limits and boundaries and routines. The importance of sleep and wake. I’ve been so kind – but I’ve read articles recently that all speak very loudly to me. My 12 year old has stopped listening. She doesn’t care about the who or the why. She cares that her quest for autonomy has failed again and again and she’s ANGRY. Her tantrums are not the childish ones that parents are used to. They’re the silent kind. The glaring eyes, the clenched jaws and fists… the slamming of a bedroom door. Trying to walk away when we’re talking to her.

                I have ALWAYS been the parent who explains. I want my children to know that I love them and I want them to know WHY things are the way they are. I have had to adopt a very different approach recently and it’s taking quite a bit of reminding myself to stick to my guns. My expectations are printed in very clear English and taped to the cabinets in the kitchen. A daily routine, and a chore chart. If she cannot follow expectations, she will not have what she wants. That’s that.

                I read that you cannot control children. I cannot FORCE her to sleep at 10pm. But the expectation is that bedtime is at 1030pm so if your teeth are not brushed and you are not in bed by 1030pm, you will not have your electronics the following day. The expectation is that you wake when your alarm goes off and get your day started. If you choose to sleep until 2pm, then you will not have your electronics that day. (electronics are oxygen in this house…. So she will suffocate eventually.)

                She woke at 2pm today after staying up very late reading her books. She did not change clothes or brush her hair or eat first. She came to me and in a kind voice, asked if she could have her laptop. I politely told her that she would not have her electronics today…. Or any other day that she cannot follow what is expected in this house. That will be the answer until she chooses on her own, to comply.

                Lord…. Give me the strength!

Throwing in the Towel

Dearest Mommy Friends.... I need you...

I am struggling as a stay-at-home mother. Nicolas doesn't make enough to support any form of extra spending to try to entertain my brood - and I am NOT (nor do I want to be) one of those Pinterest perfect housewives. My children are bored. They have created their own daily routines that often include fighting over toys... not sharing computers... snapping at one another over the Wii or tablet games they want to play. It is TOO HOT to enjoy the great outdoors. 104F is not perfect weather for a picnic or leisurely stroll to the park. It cost $5 a head to get into the pool (so I take them once a week... if not, once every 2 weeks.)

They've stopped listening to me. I tell them to clean their rooms... and I have to tell them and tell them and tell them and tell them... I tell them to please sit straight at the table and eat their lunch. "Eat your food. Eat your food... Eat your food..... Eat your FOOD!" They push me until I've been pushed too far, and by then my anger overwhelms me. I don't abuse them... but I've been known to pop them to get their attention. I had to remind my almost 8 yr old about 6 times daily not to pick her nose because she pierces flippin' arteries and leaves a trail of blood across her pillowcase, her clothes... her face... in my car at the grocery store... and after I've talked about it enough and she comes to me not realizing she had blood all over her fingers and trailing down her chin, I couldn't help it. I slapped her cheek. She deserved a bit of disrespect and embarrassment. She has stopped hearing me.

My kids want. They CONSTANTLY want. I can give them, and they still want! I give them, they don't appreciate, yet still want. I reward them for listening. We've tried time out. I'm at my WIT'S END!

My 12 yr old is locked inside a virtual world. She has friends, but everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't get together and do anything! This new age of children is down right scary. We try to engage with them. We take them places... we teach them things (or at least we try to.) I just feel like I'm not reaching them.

My 4 yr old? Dear God. I quit. I could never imagine speaking to my parents the way she speaks to us. I can't even begin to think of a way to discipline her for her sassiness. She doesn't care about time out. She doesn't care about spankings. We've tried the whole "eye level, talk it out" approach.

This is supposed to be SUMMER VACATION! You know... FUN STUFF... Instead, I'm parenting from behind a locked door because I can't bring myself to leave my bedroom and deal with these demons. I don't like my children. This is my confession. I love them.... but I don't like them... and I don't know how to get back to where I need to be in order to be who they need.

Fifteen...

You've seen them. . . the links on Facebook that connect you to those perfect mommy blogs where they had some amazing self discovery. How a mother will never again tell her young child to "Hurry up!" because she's rushing through life and missing the most important things, like water puddles and butterflies. You nod in disbelief as you read the blog because you find yourself relating a little too well to exactly who this BEFORE mother was, and you want so badly to be like the one she became. But get real, right? This is REAL LIFE and we have places that we have to hurry up and get to and we simply don't have time for little Judy to soak her socks in the water puddle so you'll have to change them and possibly her shoes before she heads in to school!

Like my intro?

Last year, last August.... my sweet family and I took a vacation to Italy. The villa we stayed at in Bracciano was not air conditioned. We rushed to the store and bought little table fans and slept with the rooftop door and all the windows wide open. The first few nights were rough to get used to, but soon we were living like Italians. It was a refreshing experience.

We rushed through our days, partly to pack in as much experience and as many sights as possible... but for me - to get back home safely, to our villa, and enjoy being Italian. Each night, we'd shower the girls, and a new tradition was born with Victoria. She felt out of place without her "own" bed from home - so I'd sit beside her while the fan blew across her naked back.... and I'd run my fingers through her hair and hum to her, softly... I'd wait until the last of the sweat dried from her clammy skin, and I'd cover her with the sheet and drift upstairs while she was sound asleep.

That tradition, born in Italy... remains. There are times when I find it a huge inconvenience :/ At the end of a long day when I'm rushed to get kids to bed so I can finish dinner dishes and put the clean clothes away... It's somehow a pain in my behind to have to stop what I'm doing for fifteen whole minutes and rub this child's back! Seriously?! You're almost 3!!! (I don't say these things to her though.) I simply sit beside her bed, tell her to turn over... and proceed to rub her back until she falls asleep.

So yeah, I do rush my children. Hurry up and get dressed - you're gonna miss the bus! Hurry up, stop dragging your feet or we're going to be late to soccer! Geeze!! Would you hurry up and get to bed! You have to get up early and I don't want you to be tired! (but if I rush them to bed... then I know I have those 15 to spend with Victoria. Prayers, a drink.... and 15 precious minutes to watch her fade to silence and sleep. . .

Two Down, One to Go

Short and sweet blog...

I remember the day that Stevie started Kindergarten. I remember taking her to school, in Germany. I remember dressing her so cute, and walking her to her class... and wishing that she needed me more! But she was so independent and sweet... urging me to get to work, that she'd be fine :) I cried the WHOLE WAY! I couldn't believe how big my sweet Stevie had gotten. She was going to REAL school - not daycare. The clock just hit fast forward... 13 years of school is not that many! I'm not ready to let her go!

Fast forward to 2013. Not only was I anxiously waiting for summer to be over... I rushed through vacation weekend, hurried them through dinner and baths, and high-fived myself after tucking them into bed last night because today marked a newfound freedom! Not only 1, but TWO of my children would be starting school this year. And I wasn't the least bit sad. Maybe it's because I know I have one more "first day" to look forward to with Victoria. For Ava, I was excited.... just as much for her as I was for me. She's been looking forward to starting school for ... 5.5 years?! :P And me? Well... Who can argue with getting to stay home with only 1/3 of her children all day?!

Stevie is now a 6th grader, and Ava is a very proud kindergartner... even if she puked and had to come home 2 hours into her day :( Tomorrow, Ava gets to ride the bus for the first time! (which means leaving 30 minutes earlier than she left today....) YESSSSSSSSS!!! (jk) sort of.

Meanwhile, back at the house... Victoria and I babysit cutie pie Avery until 230pm... then we pick up Stevie from school... then we head to soccer practice... then tomorrow's bath night... then... omg. Senior Year - WHERE ARE YOU?!

Too Tall to Notice

I'm a terrible mother. I've been so consumed in moving, making my own memories, saying goodbye to my favorite things that I have overlooked the heartache of my own child. I wrote it off as seemingly unimportant. "She'll get over it." Kids are resilient, right? They bounce back, as we all do - and keep on going. Energizer bunnies, unstoppable!

But today, there were more questions that usual. "Mom, how many weeks do I have left at this school?" "Mom, will we be here for November 18th?" Today, I sensed a growing tension in my daughter's voice - and that, coupled with the goodbye from this morning led me to close her bedroom door and hold her for a bit.

My Stevie is 10 this year. She's had to say goodbye to friends in the past, but now she's old enough to have grown really close to them. Saying goodbye is not easy for anyone - but to Stevie, it's the end of the world. She doesn't have the experience to know that life goes on, that new friends will come and go... Tonight, I held her and I apologized to her. This decision is so very hard for me, but I needed her to know that I have nothing but the VERY BEST intentions for our whole family. Sometimes, in life, we have to give up the things that we love in order to grow. We talked for a good hour. We shared giggles and tears... It was important for her to see me cry, to know that I'm just as sad and afraid as she is. It was important for me, to be able to reassure her that no matter what, we're a family and we have each other and that new friends WILL come along!

          Through the back window of our '59 wagon 
          I watched my best friend Jamie slipping further away 
          I kept on waving till I couldn't see her 
          And through my tears I asked again why we couldn't stay 
          Mama whispered softly time will ease your pain 
          Life's about changing nothing ever stays the same 
          And she said how can I help you to say goodbye it's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry 
          Come let me hold you and I will try how can I help you to say goodbye 
                                              -Patti Loveless

So Long, Sucker!

I'm a terrible mother. I'm one of "those" moms... who talks major crap about all the wrongs other mothers do (but happen to overlook the fact that I do some of those, myself!) Let me give you a prime example...

Exhibit A: The Sucker

I always judged those "other" mothers who had toddlers running around with pacifiers in their mouths. You know... the 2 year olds who couldn't talk right because something was blocking the way of words coming out! Well, why was it wrong for them, and not for me? I have a 21 month old, and I thought our use of one was ok because it was simply for bedtime. The only other time she used it out of the bed, was in the car on long road trips. It kept her quiet - so I was all for it.

Then we get to today... She's an uncontrollable ball of "I WANT!!!" and I thought, you know what? I'm going to take away the one thing she needs more than anything... When that comfort is gone, just maybe she'll simmer down and realize her wants aren't so important. (Not to mention, she's almost 2... she can live without it.)

So tonight, it's "So long, Sucker!" Fortunately, we wore Victoria out with a long walk, followed by an hour of outdoors at the playground. Not sure her legs could go on if she wanted them to. She's currently fed, bathed, and dramatically fake-coughing between forced sobs in her bed. She was fine when I went to sit beside her and pat her on the back... but that's another form of pacification that I won't get started. I love her to death - but one of the major keys in raising children is to help them develop independence! I know... at 21 months, I should be welcoming every chance I get to cuddle my sweet babies... (sucks to be the third!) hehehe

Wish us all luck, and say a little prayer of courage for my little Victoria. It's not easy growing up!

Summer Vacation (from kids!)

$600 and 5 hours later, Stevie Lynn is at summer camp. For 2 weeks! I'm excited for her! She'll be able to look back someday and say "I went to a 2 week summer camp in southern Germany!" It's a real adventure camp... living in tents, kayaking on the lake, water balloon fights, campfires, and tons of kids wallowing in the mud and playing in the rain. For her, I hope it's everything that every kid wishes they could experience.

For me? *sweet sigh of relief* It's a two week vacation from having to play referee between her and Ava. Ava constantly begging to ride the coattails of her big sister on the playground, and Stevie, constantly looking for excuses as to why it's not the best idea for Ava to be outside with her right now.

And then? I've got an AWESOME mother-in-law (for more reasons than a few) that is taking Stevie AND Ava this summer for almost 2 weeks! For the girls - what fun, to spend time with their family in a farmhouse in France... running around the garden, chasing lizards and playing in the water. Going on walks through the forest, and splashing in the creek. For me (and Nico) we get to experience life has parents of only ONE child.... for 2 beautiful weeks.

Well, added bonus for me is that Nico won't be going to get the girls until after I'm on a plane to Sweden for work... so I won't see them for a total of a month after they leave for France.

YES - I will miss them. But you know what? They're going to have fun. I don't have to worry about their safety. I have peace of mind in all situations regarding their absence.

Let the vacation begin!