I am
approaching the end of my patience with a certain 12 year old. COVID and the
end of school in March has seen an increase in my daughter being home far more
than any child should ever have to be home. The closure of parks and movie
theaters, etc has led to a decrease in the variety of things afforded to
entertain these kids. They do spend an insane amount of time online with
friends, playing Minecraft, etc. We purchased a pool, so they’ve been able to have
friends over occasionally to swim. However, with the official end of school, my
12 year old has decided that she shouldn’t have any rules.
She
wants to stay awake until 5am and sleep until 3 or 4pm. Sadly, that means she
sleeps through breakfast and lunch… eats dinner, but then snacks on junk all
night while we’re sleeping and can’t enforce staying out of the snack cabinet.
She’s very tall, but also very thin for her age and the doctor told her at her
recent appointment that she’d like to see just a little more meat on her bones.
This can only be accomplished with a normal routine that includes eating more
than once a day. We’ve tried trusting her to put herself to bed at midnight but
she “loses track of time” and when I get up to get a drink at 530am, she’s
still awake, gaming. *blood boils.*
So I
created a VERY simple daily routine. Their alarm clock goes off at 1000am. If
they eat breakfast, make their beds, straighten their rooms, get dressed and
brush their hair – they can play online until lunch. At 1pm, they eat lunch and
do afternoon chores… if they do then they can play online until dinner. At
630pm, they eat dinner and then they can have screen time again until 10pm when
they have to close up the internet and hand over their electronics until the
next day. There is PLENTY of time for screen time. If they wake up at 8am
instead of 10, they can accomplish everything and have more time online.
I’ve
explained things to her multiple times. In a calm voice. I’ve explained the
reason for needing to eat more. (she’s not anorexic, she’s just naturally a
twig.) I’ve explained the importance for limits and boundaries and routines.
The importance of sleep and wake. I’ve been so kind – but I’ve read articles
recently that all speak very loudly to me. My 12 year old has stopped
listening. She doesn’t care about the who or the why. She cares that her quest
for autonomy has failed again and again and she’s ANGRY. Her tantrums are not
the childish ones that parents are used to. They’re the silent kind. The glaring
eyes, the clenched jaws and fists… the slamming of a bedroom door. Trying to
walk away when we’re talking to her.
I have
ALWAYS been the parent who explains. I want my children to know that I love
them and I want them to know WHY things are the way they are. I have had to
adopt a very different approach recently and it’s taking quite a bit of
reminding myself to stick to my guns. My expectations are printed in very clear
English and taped to the cabinets in the kitchen. A daily routine, and a chore
chart. If she cannot follow expectations, she will not have what she wants.
That’s that.
I read
that you cannot control children. I cannot FORCE her to sleep at 10pm. But the
expectation is that bedtime is at 1030pm so if your teeth are not brushed and
you are not in bed by 1030pm, you will not have your electronics the following
day. The expectation is that you wake when your alarm goes off and get your day
started. If you choose to sleep until 2pm, then you will not have your electronics
that day. (electronics are oxygen in this house…. So she will suffocate
eventually.)
She
woke at 2pm today after staying up very late reading her books. She did not
change clothes or brush her hair or eat first. She came to me and in a kind voice,
asked if she could have her laptop. I politely told her that she would not have
her electronics today…. Or any other day that she cannot follow what is
expected in this house. That will be the answer until she chooses on her own,
to comply.
Lord…. Give
me the strength!
