Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Tween Defiance


                I am approaching the end of my patience with a certain 12 year old. COVID and the end of school in March has seen an increase in my daughter being home far more than any child should ever have to be home. The closure of parks and movie theaters, etc has led to a decrease in the variety of things afforded to entertain these kids. They do spend an insane amount of time online with friends, playing Minecraft, etc. We purchased a pool, so they’ve been able to have friends over occasionally to swim. However, with the official end of school, my 12 year old has decided that she shouldn’t have any rules.

                She wants to stay awake until 5am and sleep until 3 or 4pm. Sadly, that means she sleeps through breakfast and lunch… eats dinner, but then snacks on junk all night while we’re sleeping and can’t enforce staying out of the snack cabinet. She’s very tall, but also very thin for her age and the doctor told her at her recent appointment that she’d like to see just a little more meat on her bones. This can only be accomplished with a normal routine that includes eating more than once a day. We’ve tried trusting her to put herself to bed at midnight but she “loses track of time” and when I get up to get a drink at 530am, she’s still awake, gaming. *blood boils.*

                So I created a VERY simple daily routine. Their alarm clock goes off at 1000am. If they eat breakfast, make their beds, straighten their rooms, get dressed and brush their hair – they can play online until lunch. At 1pm, they eat lunch and do afternoon chores… if they do then they can play online until dinner. At 630pm, they eat dinner and then they can have screen time again until 10pm when they have to close up the internet and hand over their electronics until the next day. There is PLENTY of time for screen time. If they wake up at 8am instead of 10, they can accomplish everything and have more time online.

                I’ve explained things to her multiple times. In a calm voice. I’ve explained the reason for needing to eat more. (she’s not anorexic, she’s just naturally a twig.) I’ve explained the importance for limits and boundaries and routines. The importance of sleep and wake. I’ve been so kind – but I’ve read articles recently that all speak very loudly to me. My 12 year old has stopped listening. She doesn’t care about the who or the why. She cares that her quest for autonomy has failed again and again and she’s ANGRY. Her tantrums are not the childish ones that parents are used to. They’re the silent kind. The glaring eyes, the clenched jaws and fists… the slamming of a bedroom door. Trying to walk away when we’re talking to her.


                I have ALWAYS been the parent who explains. I want my children to know that I love them and I want them to know WHY things are the way they are. I have had to adopt a very different approach recently and it’s taking quite a bit of reminding myself to stick to my guns. My expectations are printed in very clear English and taped to the cabinets in the kitchen. A daily routine, and a chore chart. If she cannot follow expectations, she will not have what she wants. That’s that.

                I read that you cannot control children. I cannot FORCE her to sleep at 10pm. But the expectation is that bedtime is at 1030pm so if your teeth are not brushed and you are not in bed by 1030pm, you will not have your electronics the following day. The expectation is that you wake when your alarm goes off and get your day started. If you choose to sleep until 2pm, then you will not have your electronics that day. (electronics are oxygen in this house…. So she will suffocate eventually.)

                She woke at 2pm today after staying up very late reading her books. She did not change clothes or brush her hair or eat first. She came to me and in a kind voice, asked if she could have her laptop. I politely told her that she would not have her electronics today…. Or any other day that she cannot follow what is expected in this house. That will be the answer until she chooses on her own, to comply.

                Lord…. Give me the strength!

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