Too Tall to Notice

I'm a terrible mother. I've been so consumed in moving, making my own memories, saying goodbye to my favorite things that I have overlooked the heartache of my own child. I wrote it off as seemingly unimportant. "She'll get over it." Kids are resilient, right? They bounce back, as we all do - and keep on going. Energizer bunnies, unstoppable!

But today, there were more questions that usual. "Mom, how many weeks do I have left at this school?" "Mom, will we be here for November 18th?" Today, I sensed a growing tension in my daughter's voice - and that, coupled with the goodbye from this morning led me to close her bedroom door and hold her for a bit.

My Stevie is 10 this year. She's had to say goodbye to friends in the past, but now she's old enough to have grown really close to them. Saying goodbye is not easy for anyone - but to Stevie, it's the end of the world. She doesn't have the experience to know that life goes on, that new friends will come and go... Tonight, I held her and I apologized to her. This decision is so very hard for me, but I needed her to know that I have nothing but the VERY BEST intentions for our whole family. Sometimes, in life, we have to give up the things that we love in order to grow. We talked for a good hour. We shared giggles and tears... It was important for her to see me cry, to know that I'm just as sad and afraid as she is. It was important for me, to be able to reassure her that no matter what, we're a family and we have each other and that new friends WILL come along!

          Through the back window of our '59 wagon 
          I watched my best friend Jamie slipping further away 
          I kept on waving till I couldn't see her 
          And through my tears I asked again why we couldn't stay 
          Mama whispered softly time will ease your pain 
          Life's about changing nothing ever stays the same 
          And she said how can I help you to say goodbye it's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry 
          Come let me hold you and I will try how can I help you to say goodbye 
                                              -Patti Loveless

So Long, Sucker!

I'm a terrible mother. I'm one of "those" moms... who talks major crap about all the wrongs other mothers do (but happen to overlook the fact that I do some of those, myself!) Let me give you a prime example...

Exhibit A: The Sucker

I always judged those "other" mothers who had toddlers running around with pacifiers in their mouths. You know... the 2 year olds who couldn't talk right because something was blocking the way of words coming out! Well, why was it wrong for them, and not for me? I have a 21 month old, and I thought our use of one was ok because it was simply for bedtime. The only other time she used it out of the bed, was in the car on long road trips. It kept her quiet - so I was all for it.

Then we get to today... She's an uncontrollable ball of "I WANT!!!" and I thought, you know what? I'm going to take away the one thing she needs more than anything... When that comfort is gone, just maybe she'll simmer down and realize her wants aren't so important. (Not to mention, she's almost 2... she can live without it.)

So tonight, it's "So long, Sucker!" Fortunately, we wore Victoria out with a long walk, followed by an hour of outdoors at the playground. Not sure her legs could go on if she wanted them to. She's currently fed, bathed, and dramatically fake-coughing between forced sobs in her bed. She was fine when I went to sit beside her and pat her on the back... but that's another form of pacification that I won't get started. I love her to death - but one of the major keys in raising children is to help them develop independence! I know... at 21 months, I should be welcoming every chance I get to cuddle my sweet babies... (sucks to be the third!) hehehe

Wish us all luck, and say a little prayer of courage for my little Victoria. It's not easy growing up!

Summer Vacation (from kids!)

$600 and 5 hours later, Stevie Lynn is at summer camp. For 2 weeks! I'm excited for her! She'll be able to look back someday and say "I went to a 2 week summer camp in southern Germany!" It's a real adventure camp... living in tents, kayaking on the lake, water balloon fights, campfires, and tons of kids wallowing in the mud and playing in the rain. For her, I hope it's everything that every kid wishes they could experience.

For me? *sweet sigh of relief* It's a two week vacation from having to play referee between her and Ava. Ava constantly begging to ride the coattails of her big sister on the playground, and Stevie, constantly looking for excuses as to why it's not the best idea for Ava to be outside with her right now.

And then? I've got an AWESOME mother-in-law (for more reasons than a few) that is taking Stevie AND Ava this summer for almost 2 weeks! For the girls - what fun, to spend time with their family in a farmhouse in France... running around the garden, chasing lizards and playing in the water. Going on walks through the forest, and splashing in the creek. For me (and Nico) we get to experience life has parents of only ONE child.... for 2 beautiful weeks.

Well, added bonus for me is that Nico won't be going to get the girls until after I'm on a plane to Sweden for work... so I won't see them for a total of a month after they leave for France.

YES - I will miss them. But you know what? They're going to have fun. I don't have to worry about their safety. I have peace of mind in all situations regarding their absence.

Let the vacation begin!

Chicken Poop

I shouldn't do it, but I do. I force my oldest to do things that she doesn't want to do. Most of the time, it's for her own good - but other times it's merely because I need a good laugh.

For instance, I forced her to take swimming lessons, knowing darn good and well she was terrified of having water in her face. 3 summer lessons past, and now the child is swimming to the bottom of pools to retrieve toys, going down the BIG slides at water parks and having the time of her life. What do I get out of it all? "Thank you for making me go mommy, I had the BEST time!"

Then, there's Phantasialand and the "Mystery Castle" ride. I forced her to go on it because I knew she'd crap her pants and come out with her face as white as a ghost. I needed a good laugh - and it was HARMLESS, right? I thought so. She went. She didn't love that ride at ALL, but there are others she was forced to go on that she asked to go on again and again and again after that.

Fast forward to this past Sunday - Legoland! This park was about 80% little kid rides, and filled with adult freaks with cameras (my husband being one) who love Legos and the things they can build with them. Stevie and I were waiting on the sidelines for Ava to finish paddling her kidi-kanu around a little expedition thingie, and we heard screams in the background. It was the big waterfall ride (you know, the kind where the boat full of people goes around a jungle for 10 minutes, and then they plunge over the side of a waterfall?) I smiled really big and couldn't even get through my suggestion of "Oh STEVIE! You should go on that with....." when she answers "NO MOMMY PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!"

You're kidding right? 9.5 and you can't ride a slow as heck ride like the boat with a little tummy tickle at the end? I called her a chicken shit. I emphasized SHEER disappointment in the fact that she couldn't grow up and have fun. I was mad. I told her next time, we'd get a babysitter and leave her home so we wouldn't have to pay a full price ticket for her to ride baby rides. I was mean. (but all in the name of love.) I remember riding the waterfall ride with MY dad and I loved it! Sure, the first time was scary as ever... but I begged him to ride it with me again and again!

Fast forwarding some more... the sun is setting, we've made our way around the entire park. Stevie's brain has been fizzling and stressing since my temper got the best of me over her lack of courage. Finally, she asks if she can do the dragon ride. The DRAGON ride!? That REALLY big one that's way bigger than the waterfall boat ride? So we walked over, and she stood in line for an HOUR and watched over and over again, the dragon ride go flying into outer space and back filled with screaming kids. She didn't back down, she didn't turn away.... she got on, and she did it!

Unsteady on her feet - but those wings helped her soar!

Stay tuned - there's video... but I have work in the morning, so it's bed for now!

"Artwork"

A couple of weekends ago, my husband went out of town for another “man-cation” and some much needed
quiet time away from the kids. Usually, when he leaves, my nesting instinct kicks in and I scour the
house from top to bottom. That weekend was no different.

I chose to start in Ava and Victoria’s room, as I’d need to be done by mid-morning so Victoria could
go down for a nap. I walked in and immediately focused in on a piece of “artwork” that Ava had scribbled the
previous day. You know that 4 yr old artwork – markers of every color, lines in every direction…. MAYBE
a couple of curly q’s. In my mind, this immediately would go in the junk pile because it looks like every
other piece of artwork on my refrigerator. I decided to fold the paper and sneak it into the trashcan to
avoid any tantrums.

Initial wake-up phase was over for children #2 and #3. Ava and Victoria were finishing breakfast when
I sat down for a quick muffin and a glass of milk. Ava jumped out of her seat and ran to her room
exclaiming something about showing me her sun and slides. I did the typical mommy nod and half
ignored her until…. “aww man – I can’t find my picture! I had it here…. And it’s not here… and now
where is it?”

Ooouf! I quickly ran to the trashcan and fished it out and unfolded it and yelled to Ava “Hey babe! Is it
this picture?? I put it up so that Victoria wouldn’t destroy it!” Aaahhh… Mommy saved the day. Look at
that AWESOME sun! And the slides…. The purple one is my favorite!

More scribbles… thumb tacked to the bulletin board by the back door. What was I thinking?! How could I have overlooked this masterpiece - deeming it nothing more than "garbage..." SHAME ON ME!

Underestimation

My new, typical Sunday consists of driving in to work to prepare for Monday's flying. Today, I decided to let Ava tag along for some "mommy/Ava" time! The plan was to finish work prep, and then we'd head by the store to pick up Stevie's valentine's for school on Tuesday. Then maybe, JUST maybe I'd treat her to something special if she could behave herself.

At work, she quickly ran out of patience for what I needed to accomplish. So I put her at a desk and gave her a notepad and a pen and imagined up some important work that she needed to help me finish. 95% of my attention was on what I needed to get done, while I portioned off 5% to the nods and smiles that usually keep Ava happy.

Ava: Mommy, look... I drew my name!
Mommy:  Mm hmm, that's nice honey...
Ava (from across the room): See, there's my A, V, A... Ava!
Mommy:  Yep, that's a great job love!

I was convinced my child had scribbled "her version" of an A, V, A onto that paper. So you can only imagine that heart-swell moment I encountered when I looked down at her paper that she brought to me and I saw her name, in plain English. A... V... A...

So proud of her, I had her take a marker and draw on the board on the fridge for daddy when we got home. Another first for my Ava Ryan...

I don't want them...

It's true. Today, I don't want my children. I love my oldest daughter to death - she's smart, and respectful, and responsible. However, when her 4 yr old sister asks to play with her, my oldest finds every excuse under the sun to do something else, without her. I can't force the bonding process... and I'm sick of encouraging it. I just want to click my three heels and turn around and find them magically playing "Littlest Pet Shop" with smiles and giggles that fill the air. But - no... All I hear from the other room is "Stevie, will you play with me?" and the 9 yr old reply "not right noooooow Ava!"

Of ALL children - my 4 yr old is asking to die. Her "terrible" face has been going for months now. She refuses to eat when she's at the table. She refuses to listen until we have to use our OUTSIDE voices to get our point across. She's never happy, despite our best efforts to make her happy. She's hyper - I've self-diagnosed the child with ADHD. She wakes up and her brain is going 200mph, and she stays that way until she's forced into bed at night. Today, I cannot take it anymore. I have closed the curtains over my eyes and shut out the world... she has pushed my last button.

My 1 yr old is sweet, but just as terrible. As I type this, she's crawled up on the couch with the 4 yr old who is trying to watch a movie. Victoria is kicking Ava in the head, and Ava is yelling "STOP IT!" and Victoria is laughing a vicious laugh and deep inside - I'm laughing too... I've wanted to kick her in the head all day, and now I get to live vicariously through my 1 yr old. I've cleaned the house 10 times today, and each time I clean a room, I look behind me and Victoria has destroyed it again... in her wake, a trail of toys that I have to re-sort and put away again.

Why, oh why did work give us a three day weekend? Don't they realize I look forward to my 5 day vacations from my children!?

Unfinished Projects

When I was 2 months pregnant with Stevie, I decided I was going to start a journal for her. What it was like to experience my pregnancy with her... the places we went (while she was in my belly) and the things we did together while she was too young to remember. I did ok for a few months... then I had her and I was WAYYY too busy to sit down and write. So months would pass between entries. Finally, I stopped writing in it all together.

Then I had Ava. I bought two matching journals, and planned to transcribe Stevie's old one into the new one and write for both daughters. Now, I have Stevie's original, Stevie's half transcribed new one, and a blank one for Ava.

Stevie's baby book is the only thing I completed - cover to cover. Stuffed it with pictures and millions of words to document her first years. Ava's is about 3/4 complete. Not as many pictures in it as I would like. I skipped a few months of development tracking. Poor Victoria - Her baby book is bare. I truly feel bad! I don't remember the exact day of her first steps... the month that she started laughing... when she started using a sippy cup, or what her first real food was.

These unfinished projects are reminders of a terrible mommy! How did I become so busy that I couldn't sit down and dedicate a few moments a day to documenting the lives of my children!? (I promise, I do... just not on paper!) These three heathens bring me SO MUCH love and joy. Every bit of it is engraved on my heart, embedded in my soul. I can only pray that when they're older, they don't hate me or judge me for the lack of ink I put on paper... but rather measure my love for them in the experiences that I have provided for them, and the dedication I gave to them throughout their lives!

When They're Older

When they're older, they're going to hate me for saving pictures like this:

Stevie had a little TOO much fun on our vacation weekend in France...

Ava really is as special as she looks :)  

TURTLES TURTLES!

No No!!

A few months ago, I had to use the "mean voice" with Victoria. She has a great habit of playing with her food halfway through her meal. She loves to stow things in her seat - so she'll pick up hot dogs or grapes or whatever she's eating and proceed to put them down the side of her chair where they collect under the padding until the weekend comes and I can dump out her stash.

I caught her doing this one evening at dinner, and I leaned over and got in her face and sternly said "NO NO!" Her eyes became huge... tears welled up in her eyes and her cheeks turned dark red. Then - the biggest pouting lip I've ever seen protruded and she opened up her lungs and let out a loud wail! (my mean voice worked.)

Terrible mommy confession: I showed this new trick to friends when they'd come over. I'd use the mean voice just so they could see the pouting lip for themselves (because it was so cute) and then I'd pick her up and cuddle her before she had the chance to cry. Hahahahahahahaaha....

Looking Backward

As explained in Fashionista Part I - Stevie is a girlie girl. However, we live in Germany where it isn't always appropriate to wear skirts and dresses and flip flops to school (especially in late autumn, early winter.)

Here you have:  Fashionista, part II.

So one day... in first grade... I had picked out Stevie's clothes for school that day while she was eating breakfast. She finished eating, and then ran in to see what she was wearing that day, just as I was walking out. She was furious to find that I'd picked out another pair of jeans, a sweater, and thick socks to keep her warm. (I mean, she'll be outside during recess, and walking to and from school as well...) I just wanted my baby girl to be warm! Well, it's true... mothers DO have eyes in the back of their head. I caught Stevie's reflection in a picture frame on the way out of her bedroom and that little girl scrunched up her nose, opened her mouth wide, crossed her eyes, and stuck her tongue as far out as she possibly could in protest of her chosen wardrobe. It took all I had not to laugh! I simply kept walking, entertained with the knowledge that I was a terrible mommy!

Fashionista

When I was pregnant with Stevie, I envisioned her growing into my little tomboy. I wanted her to have long, blonde curls and run around barefooted with overalls on and dirt between her toes. (no such luck.) Stevie is a princess. She adores skirts, flats, dresses and knee-high boots. She's recently found a love for jewelry, and even asked for Taylor Swift perfume for Christmas.

Last year, during the winter months of 3rd grade, she chose to wear her beloved yellow halter-top dress
from Children's Place to school. Mind you, we live in Germany where winter brings 25-40 degree weather. When she walked out of her room wearing this damn dress (for the 4th time that month) - it was like nails down a chalkboard... My shoulders drew up towards my head, my hair automatically stood on end. I said nothing. She's in 3rd grade - it's time she learns the consequences of her decisions. (she's gonna freeze her butt...)

I heard her go to the shoe cabinet and ponder her choices. Hmm, fuzzy black crocs... brown boots. snow boots. flip flops... She comes back to the living room and plops down on the couch, clearly frustrated. "Mom, what shoes do I wear to school?" Before I had the chance to answer her, her father chimed in with one of his usual sarcastic answers... "You ought to wear flip flops! You've got a summer dress on!" Not to our surprise, she finished breakfast, grabbed her jacket and backpack, and proceeded to walk to school wearing her pink. flip. flops.

Before I left for work that morning, I shot a quick email to her teacher to let him know that we weren't careless parents... that Stevie had a closet full of winter clothes and snow boots and tennis shoes and socks in her drawer. However, there's a time in every child's life where they need to learn some valuable lessons in decision making. We had lectured until we were blue in the face about wearing things that were appropriate for the weather.

Apparently her teacher had a small talk with her that day - because she didn't wear that dress again until the weather took a turn for the warmer.

(there's a part II to this Fashionista post.) It's a story from 1st grade - but this post was long enough, so I'll save it for later!

Welcome to the Confessional

The other night on facebook, I confessed that I was about to send my 4 year old to bed without brushing her teeth. You see, she's hyper. (it's unbearable and overwhelming at times.) So any extra step that will save me 5 minutes of peace and quiet - you bet I'm gonna be all over that! However, I was quickly reminded by a very persistent "good" child that the sugar bugs would eat all her teeth if she didn't brush them. So the terrible mommy in me grumbled all the way to the bathroom... cursed under my breath as I squirted toothpaste on her toothbrush, and very gently kept myself from popping her little brain out with my bare fist as I held her head still so I could scrub her pearly whites.

Once all children were in bed... I posted about my "terrible-ness" and laughed at the silly things I've done over the years as a mother... Then I thought to myself - I need to write this stuff down. It will give other mothers a chance to read that they're not alone (because I really did think I was the only bad mom who would ever skip toothbrushing, until others confessed to it too!) It will bring a good laugh to those who are stressed out and impatient with their own heathens... And later on, when I've got enough stories for print - it will serve as something that my children can look back on and realize "Hey... my mom really did love me!"

I hope you enjoy my coming confessions of being a terrible mommy!